5 signs of negging in the workplace
Co-founder of the Lowdown, Karmjit walks you through 5 signs of negging to help you spot this toxic trait in the workplace - and what you can do about it.
They’re playing hard to get, being keen but then ignoring your messages. They give you a backhanded compliment. They criticise you but say they’re only joking and you’re too sensitive. These are some signs of “negging”. While this list might paint a picture of a terrible date, they are all also things that can happen in the workplace.
What is negging?
It’s any comment or action that’s made to lower your self-esteem, make you doubt yourself and question your value. It makes you feel like you don’t belong, that you’re an imposter. It can be hard to spot, because the nature of a lot of it is covered up by what might look like a compliment, or, a joke. But it’s a serious issue, and can add up to bullying and harassment in the workplace.
To help you spot it, we’ve gathered some real-life examples that sadly people have experienced (and most were women/women of colour). Here are 5 signs of negging in the workplace:
Backhanded compliments
It might sound like a compliment, but it doesn’t feel like one. A genuine compliment should make you feel good. So if you feel insecure and question yourself after a compliment, it's negging. Some examples are “oh you look great, are you wearing make-up today?”, “You were in that meeting? That’s great, I thought it was for more experienced people, but it’s cool they let you attend” and “that’s a really prestigious degree, you don’t get many black people at the top of that course do you?”.
2. They’re always busier than you
They make you feel like you’re lazy or not achieving enough because they’re always so busy and refer to the 'fact' that you’re not. Or they’ll often say they’re too busy to meet with you or they don’t have the time to talk about your concerns. They say things like “Thanks for going to that meeting, I’m way too busy for that kind of stuff so it’s great you could go”, and, “I’m too busy, who has the time to talk about this stuff, surely you don’t?”
3. Comparing you to others
This is a classic negging tactic. They compare you to other colleagues, sometimes other people of colour so you feel you’re doing something wrong. Some examples we heard were “Your replacement while you were on maternity leave just performed to a higher standard than you do sometimes”, and, “Well, X is Indian too and she doesn’t seem to have an issue” and “X is really good, maybe if you could be more like them, you’d improve your performance”.
4. They criticise you - but say they’re only joking
No one should be the butt of the joke and they’re not supposed to leave you feeling upset and insecure at work. Some examples are “You’re going to change into something else for the meeting, right?” “Oh yeah, X you seem like you’d drop your knickers for him - just kidding!” “I guess if I ask you to do the work, I’ll just end up correcting your mistakes, ha!”.
5. You feel you need their approval
The whole point of negging is to make you feel bad about yourself, and think that you aren’t that good at your job - and that the person who is doing it is better than you. So, it’s no surprise, then that you can feel you need the approval of that person. It can make you feel that maybe you’re not so bad at your job, and, if they praise you, everything at work might be ok. You want to feel safe.
What to do if you’re being negged at work
It won’t feel easy and you might need to work up to it, but calling it out is important. Each situation and response will be different, so talk it through with a colleague or friend who you trust or your mentor or coach if you have one. Also, remember that this kind of behaviour in the workplace is bullying. So, if you are regularly affected by it at work, consider speaking to HR and making a formal complaint. You can read more about how to make a complaint at work from employment barrister, Navid Pourghazi, on the Lowdown.
