Mentoring: dos and don’ts

Red (and green) flags when mentoring

Karmjit Kaur talks about some dos and don’ts for mentors and mentees.

Mentoring can be invaluable for mentors and mentees in developing your skills and reaching your goals. Finding someone to support and challenge you can be one of the best ways to develop your career.  Sadly, not all mentoring relationships are good ones - they can end badly with time wasted on directionless chats and a lack of support.

We spoke to different women about their past experiences as we were setting up the Lowdown. From these chats, we've gathered some tips to help you define your boundaries and spot red flags.

DO keep it focused

“I wouldn’t know what we’d be focusing on during the session and we’d leap from one subject to another”

Mentoring works best for both of you when there are clear goals and you’re both on the same page with expectations. If you have vague goals or you're meeting for the sake of it, your meetings will lack focus and direction leaving you wondering if the session was the best use of time. Read our article on using the GROW model for mentoring for more advice on how to focus your mentoring goals.

DO commit, but don’t overcommit

“I felt like we had a really great first session, but, then, I was just ghosted! I got no replies to my emails and eventually gave up but it really put me off mentoring and made me feel awkward like I’d done something wrong”

Once you agree to a mentoring relationship, show up and do the work. Mentoring works when it’s mentee-led. Mentors often volunteer their time. It’s your responsibility as a mentee not to waste their time by not flaking and putting the work in. Equally, many mentees commit to the process and put a lot of work into their objectives ahead of their sessions. So as a mentor you can  knock the confidence of a mentee by not committing to sessions, so really think through whether you can invest in the relationship before taking it on.

It’s best to be realistic and honest about what you can and can’t do. In our book, ghosting is as unforgivable in mentoring as it is in dating!

DO trust your gut

“I just knew we weren’t on the same page about my goals and there wasn’t enough common ground on how to reach her goals as a mentee and she’d be much better off with another mentor”

Ok, this might sound like a vague one, but, you know what we mean. Sometimes, you just get a vibe. Whether it’s a personality clash, you don’t click, or something is just giving you the ick. If you’re not looking forward to it, it’s best to confront that as early as possible and opt out.

 DO have clear boundaries and DON’T overshare

“I felt taken aback when the first questions from my mentor were about whether I had a partner or husband. When I said no, she tried to offer advice on how to get one. This wasn’t the first time it had happened to me. I’d recently separated from someone so this felt pretty raw. It made me worry people were going to see me as a failure in my professional life if my personal life didn’t look a certain way.”

Even in 2022, women are too often defined by their relationship and maternal status. Unless a woman wants her mentoring to focus on professional goals related to their personal life, such as developing their career with a young child, do not pry, make the session about their status as a partner / wife / mother and certainly do not give unsolicited advice in this area.

Of course, some friends can be mentors and mentors / mentees can become friends and you’ll talk about your personal life as part of that. I’ve had some of my best career advice from friends while some colleagues who have been mentors to me have become some of my closest friends.

But, when you’re investing in professional and more formal mentoring like here at the Lowdown, keep your personal life at home! Your sessions will work best if you focus on SMART goals that are about your career. And mentors, you’re often in a position of seniority and respect, and your mentee may see you as a role model. Keep it classy and focus on how you can help your mentee reach their professional goals.

DO be proactive

“My favourite mentees are those who are proactive, come to sessions with ideas - and follow through with them!” 

This is for both mentees and mentors, but, mentees especially. If a mentor is giving their time up for free to help you, if they make suggestions, go off and explore them. If you’ve met or identified someone who you think would be a great mentor for you, they’re not going to start the relationship off for you. Be proactive and show initiative by contacting them yourself. Ahead of your mentoring sessions, send a suggested agenda. If it’s in person, scout a good coffee place to meet up that’s convenient for your mentor. It’s not going to happen to you, and you’ll find the more proactive you are, the more you’ll get out of it.

DO listen

“I’d get so frustrated my mentor would bring everything back to being about her. I felt like she was just waiting for me to finish talking so she could talk about what she wanted rather than respond to me”

As a mentor, it’s important to really listen to your mentee and hear what they want to get out of the mentoring, what their goals are, and how they’re feeling about reaching them. When you feel you have the solution it’ll be tempting to cut in and tell them, but, it’s best to listen, reflect on what they’re saying, then chip in.

As a mentee, if you’re not listening to your mentor, the relationship is pointless. Listening is different from accepting everything they say, but if your mentor doesn’t feel you're taking in what they’re saying to you they’re going to feel they’re wasting their time.

DO be challenging - and prepare to be challenged

“It was hard to do at first but I found that it was in her best interest for me to challenge her and ask questions focused on why / why not / how / what’s stopping you”

Mentoring isn’t supposed to be easy. If you’re doing it properly, you may have to hear some challenges from your mentor who suggests changes that might be difficult to hear. So long as you feel these challenges are well-intended, take them on and see what you can do to meet them.

For a mentor, don’t be afraid to challenge. You’re not there to be pals. Focus on the objectives you want to reach with your mentee, and if that involves encouraging them to make a difficult decision or putting some additional work in do pose that challenge.

DON’T micromanage

“I know my mentor wanted to help but she practically wrote my CV for me. I didn’t feel like I was learning how to do stuff like that myself, and it ended up not sounding like me”

A mentee will feel more empowered taking the steps themselves, rather than being spoon-fed. And if they make a decision you don’t think is best, you need to let them. Your mentee isn't your “project” or someone you look after. You’re there to motivate and empower them to make the best choices for themselves.

And finally, DO enjoy it! Mentoring can be incredibly rewarding and can lead to amazing and lifelong friendships, so get the most from it as you go along!

Want to know more about how to approach your first mentoring session? We’ve got some tips for you.